Sunday, March 19, 2006

The LARK Program

This came via email.


Let's hope that this is true. This is a great letter.A Lady libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the White House complainingabout the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held inGuantanamo Bay.

She received back the following reply:


The White House1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, D.C. 20016Dear Concerned Citizen,Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of theTaliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinion was heardloud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased to learn that, thanksto the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new division ofthe Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals AcceptResponsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided toplace one terrorist under your personal care. Your personal detainee hasbeen selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard toyour residence next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be caredfor pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter ofcomplaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistantcaretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standardsof care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended inyour letter. Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hopethat your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem"will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct indescribing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand thatyou plan to offer counseling and home schooling.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat andcan extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nailclippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills atyour next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety ofexplosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keepthose items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (exceptsexually), since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is aparticularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violenttendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that hewill recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoythe anonymity offered by the burka -- over time. Just remember that it isall part of "respecting his culture and his religious beliefs" -- wasn'tthat how you put it?

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like youkeep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You take good care ofAhmed - and remember...we'll be watching.

Good luck!

Cordially, your friend,

Don Rumsfeld