I need advice

My bathroom needs cleaning very badly. The fact is that it is starting to stink and something is growing in the sink, tub and toilet bowl. It could be mold or fungus, I'm not sure but if you look at it long enough I swear that you can see it move.The fact is that if it is left as is I'm afraid that it will evolve sentience.

Did I mention that it was starting to stink? You can smell it all over the house.

Anyway the problem is this. Since I was born in America I will not scrub toilets or floors or anything like that. Since I don’t have enough money to hire a Mexican, even at starvation wages, what am I to do?

Any ideas will be welcome.