Monday, March 27, 2006


Jack Bauer did rough up S4GF a little, but it was only to save her from Mel Gibson’s Needle O’Pain ™. It didn’t work. Julie Meyers was determined to get more video for her submission to the Faces of Death video series and Audrey looks like she can do better “pain faces” than William Shatner..

Chloe was able to use the Patriot Act to access S4GF’s entire sexual history and found that she had slept with Sid Blumenthal [pause to shudder] in a little no tell motel. S4GF said that it was only a mercy screw and she broke it off because he wasn’t Jack.

Chloe also was able to find out that Robocop had made several phone calls to Matta Hari. This voided her immunity deal (the “bad taste in men” clause; this is why Hillary Clinton can’t turn state’s evidence) so Jack was able to punch out her Federal Marshall bodyguard (I knew I liked him for a reason) and threaten to shoot her unless she came clean (I can't believe that I'm not going to do a bubble bath or hot tub joke here). Matta Hari gave up the fact that Robocop had told her to finger S4GF if she got caught. She also gave up the fact that the mystery schematics were for a natural gas distribution center (Edgar's death has closed off an entire avenue of jest in situations like this).

Meanwhile the Prior of the Ori has located two LAPD cops who would not hallow the Ori and killed them. With their police car to escort them they were able to get the canisters of nerve gas to the distribution center. After killing a few red shirt gas company employees the manager agreed to lower the gas pressure so that the nerve gas wouldn’t be deactivated by the high pressure.

Bacardi and Cola are up in the special CTU silent stealth chopper over the natural gas distribution center getting ready to fast rope to the roof. The warriors of the Ori don’t notice the helicopter hovering over the building so they are able to get in successfully.

Once inside they waste a couple of terrorist red shirts and find the control room. In the resulting shootout all the terrorists are killed except the Prior. As he flees he is able to trigger the release of the nerve gas, which will mix with the natural gas in the pipelines going out to the city. This will lead to the cleansing fire of the Ori purifying greater LA.

While all this is going on the “B” story with President Palmer’s brother (aka Shaft) is playing out. He has been forced off the road by the Evil Vice President’s (he probably teaches Sunday school and owns an assault rifle) ninja attack squad and is being hunted through the forest like a stag. Red Forman finds out that Shaft cleared the outer checkpoint a half hour ago and hasn’t been heard from since. Since it is only a 5 minute drive from there to the main complex his keen investigator’s mind figures out that something might be wrong. He takes off to search for Shaft.

He finds him, but gets into a firefight with the ninja attack squad. He gets a wounded Shaft into his Secret Service mobile and starts back to the president’s house.

Back at the gas company Jack sees the gas canisters opening up and finds out that nothing can stop the gas from going out to the city. Except blowing up the distribution center. He does this to good effect but as he is fleeing the explosion he sees the Prior trying to steal a police car. A fight ensues when the all consuming flames of the Ori wash over them.

We have to wait until next week to see if Jack still lives.

We are promised that next week we will find out that Mary Todd Weasel’s chief lady in waiting knows the whole truth. Seeing her tortured for information will make up for the light treatment that S4GF got.