Tuesday, March 21, 2006

The Hillbilly Ecosystem

I have been asked to elaborate on the rankings in the Hillbilly Ecosystem so after due consultation with the Dowager Viscountess at White Trash Republican here they are.

Anyone who wishes to participate in the Hillbilly Ecosystem may do so. We will use the honor system so just figure out where you belong on the scale and place that rating on your blog. Email me and I’ll create a blogroll for you to be a part of.

All levels are armed because. . . well, we're hillbillys.

Entry level:
Lightly Armed Welfare Queen
This is for blogs that have no linkage and the only traffic is from the blog owner, his/her real world friends and search engine pings. This is the only Hillbilly Ecosystem rank that is lightly armed since a welfare queen will not usually have more than an old H&R .32 around the house. She depends on her heavily armed white trash boyfriend (one of whom will always be living with her) for protection.

Middle Levels:
Heavily Armed Howling Drunk
This is for blogs that have a few links and are starting to get a handful of regular readers.
In real life the howling drunk is a manual laborer who’s only recreation, other than shooting at tin cans and poaching deer, is to tie one on every payday. You will often find them living with the welfare queen. Sometimes they father the unwed welfare mother’s children.

Heavily Armed Recluse
This blog is beginning to build a good collection of links, including at least one large or mid level blog will have them blogrolled. They are beginning to build a base of fans that read regularly and leave comments. They are like the retired hillbilly who lives alone in his cabin living off his Social Security and maybe a pension from the mill or the army (or both). This guy watches the TV news and reads the daily paper so he knows what is going on in the world.

Heavily Armed Truck Driver
This blog is beginning to get some notice. At least one of his posts has been linked to on other blogs and he is on over 15 blogrolls. In the world of the hillbilly truck driver is a good job. It pays well and allows one to see some of the world. You have enough money to marry the mother of your children and the kind of women you can attract will want to be married before having your kids. Of course this doesn’t mean that you won’t knock up a few welfare queens on the side (you are a hillbilly after all).

Heavily Armed Line Foreman
This blog is on at least 35 blogrolls and has become a known element in his end of the blogpool. More than half of his blog posts get comments. The line foreman has a position of responsibility in the mill. He supervises the work of other hillbillies. He makes enough money to drive a new car (4 door sedan) and can send his kids to the church school rather than public school. His wife will have had no children out of wedlock and will be some kind of professional. Perhaps a nurse or teacher or even beautician, something that requires a license.

Heavily Armed Moonshiner
This blog is on over 60 blogrolls and has more than 1000 hits per month. This blog is large and well known enough to attract spam and trolls (the price of success). The moonshiner is the quintessiential hillbilly entrepreneur. He operates his own business making good corn liquor (or likker as it is known in the hills). That this is against the law matters not one little bit. It just means that some of his profits have to go to the Sheriff.

Heavily Armed Saloon Keeper
This blog has more than 200 hits per day and is blogrolled on over 200 other blogs. Almost every post gets comments and the commentors know each other. This blog has reached the place of being a self sustaining presence on the web. People who don’t even read it know about it. The tavern keeper is, like the moonshiner, a hillbilly entrepreneur except that his saloon is legal. This means that the he has to pay taxes (this is in addition to what he has to pay the sheriff so that his patrons don’t all get pulled over for drunk driving right after they leave). If the law allows it he can even have nekkid white trash girls dancing on the tables. The saloon keeper has the potential to retire wealthy.

The Higher Levels:
Heavily Armed Plant Manager
This blog is getting big. It is a “large mammal” or “playful primate” in the TTLB system and has so many readers who comment that they know each other and have conversations with each other in the comment threads. We’re talking about more than 2000 hits per day here. If the blog owner wants he can make enough money to pay for beer and ammunition by selling advertising. He won’t be able to quit his day job though. In hillbilly towns the plant manager is one of the most important people. He ranks above the sheriff, preacher and mayor on the social scale. He and his wife drive new cars and his kids dress in fashion which is only a few years behind the big cities. His on-the-side girlfriend will be someone with a college degree who works with him at the mill.

Heavily Armed Mill Owner
This blog is big. It has reached “mortal human” status in the TTLB system. This blog has more than 1500 links and can get you a respectable second income. You are quoted on other blogs and the mega blogs link to you on a daily basis. In the hillbilly’s world the mill owner stands just below God. Even people who don’t work for him fear him because someone in their family or some friend will be in his employ. If you make him mad he can ruin you by letting it be known that “friends of his don’t trade with you”. He doesn’t just have girlfriends on the side; he has full blown mistresses, some in other states!

Heavily Armed $100,000,000 Lottery Winner
This blog is in the “higher being” category on TTLB. This blog generates more than $5000.00 per month from advertising. If your blog gets this big you can get a book deal for the asking. You can get on the Sunday morning news shows as a talking head pundit anytime you want and you will be asked (if you don’t already) to write a regular column in a news magazine or a newspaper. In the hillbilly’s most cherished dreams he will win a mega million dollar lottery. He can live in a house as nice as the mill owner’s without having to work another day in his life. He can have a 1000+ gun collection and have sex with as many of the nekkid white trash girls who dance at the saloon keeper’s bar as he wants to. In fact the saloon keeper who used to make him open up his wallet and show him money before pouring him a drink will call him sir and talk to him about business ventures he might be interested in. The plant manager will always look down his nose at him, but he could care less. He can finally tell that SOB to go piss up a rope like he always wanted to.


Here is a link to a post with all of the Hillbilly Ecosystem graphics:


Here is a link to a post with instructions for joining the Ecosystem:


If you have trouble with anything click on the "email Lemuel" link on my sidebar and send me a note and I'll try to help.